2019

5 years since my last post – written in a haste, as if my whereabouts are as significant to an invisible audience.

I rediscovered this blog on a whim – aimlessly scrolling through Facebook, which has become an endless series of post-truth awakenings veiled in pictures of pudgy babies, World Economic Forum video posts and buzzfeed quiz articles stating what kind of mexican food you are.

I looked back at the various posts – I’ve had this blog for almost 9 years! It’s a wonder, to see how much I’ve grown. Not quite grown for the better, but definitely grown differently.

I’ve recently caught myself in a predicament… where my thoughts are constantly haunting me, jumbled in a confined space of my brain that is tagged ‘shared to public? Or not.’

I’ve decided to go for it. Write again. Express what I’m feeling. Perhaps it would make me feel better. Perhaps it would make others feel better.

But I can’t help to think that I’m still cowering – with the fact that this blog has been inactive for quite some time – and without an active audience, for quite some time.

Who cares? It still serves its purpose for me. And I guess that’s all that matters…

 

written on a sunday evening while listening to songs that were published in 2007.

 

resolution

yes its that time of the year where we start brewing up unrealistic expectations for the next 365 days ahead of us. Looking back at the 09 resolution, I can say I did achieve most of those resolutions…in some way or another. Referring to #4, I can somewhat understand bits and pieces of spanish conversation although it would be easier if I had google translate to work with at the tip of my fingers. I have not made it such a habit to wear high heels though, as it was my #5 resolution, but I did purchase more of these type of shoes (hahaha). and yes, seeing the glass full instead of the glass empty is a tough one. i’m getting there, though.

so here is my ode to mankind’s odd annual habit of creating goals.

1. Eat healthier and incorporate more exercise to my diet
2. Stay positive and avoid confrontations
3. Maintain a better GPA for my masters degree
4. Earn more
5. Travel the World

the thing about growing up is..

your attitude changes.

when i was younger, about the time of primary school, i would sulk. if i didn’t like something,
i’d scrunch my face into a frown. sure,  i still frown, but you learn to accept things. you understand that your attitude or personality, however negative it may be, will contribute to your surroundings. i can’t sulk as i used to..that would be childish.

your perspective changes.
you used to see life from one angle. the angle of a angsty-teen or a spoiled 10 year old. empathy was a foreign word. but as you grow, you start to understand. start to put yourself in other people’s shoes. you can’t make decisions based on one-sided truths, you need to see the bigger, wider picture.

and here i am now. 22 years old. i can’t believe i have become an adult. as a kid you look at those people called “adults” and you wonder. how its like to stay up late, how its like to make money. how “adults” can sleep late yet still be the ones who are up the earliest. i remember that doe-eyed child, the 4 year old riding her tricycle in front of Marjory lane. she sold lemonade on the street of her neighbourhood, made snow angels during terrible blizzards, and looked at life in only one perspective. that kid is gone, but her memory is still alive.

meet me in the garden

The decisions we make does not include what we’re having for dinner, what we’re going to wear for tomorrow’s party, or where we’re going to spend our next holiday. No. The decisions that have been tainting my mind revolves around a distant future that seems so murky and unreachable. My fate relies on this. This decision will mark the coming years of my life.

Oh how I wish this could be any easier. You watch those Hollywood movies and the story of their lives seem to intertwine effortlessly together. Reality is never that sugarcoated. How could I pass these days without counting down to an infinite future, to a possible goodbye?

It’s like standing in a dark hallway with thousands of pathways in front of you. Which one leads you to your destiny?

Which one leads me back to you?

—- 

listening to: Dent May & His Magnificent Ukulele – Meet Me in the Garden

do you want a plate of fried braincells with that?

What’s left of my academic career in Monash is 3 assignments, 2 final exams, 1 class test and 1 online posting. Funny though, I’ve been trying to fight it all along but I think I’ve been experiencing some major obstacles this semester. Does anyone know anything about pre-graduation jitters? Yes, I’m feeling that. But it’s not just a funny feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, it’s a process of self-realization that you really, don’t know what to do with your life.

x l o

sometimes i wish i could press pause and enjoy the moment that will shimmer into non-existence in the future.
i dont want the future to come, i dont want it to come just yet
i am not ready
i am not fit
i am scared.
i dont want us to end.

staying in on a sunny hot monday afternoon, with the curtains shut, the lights off and the aircon on full. basking in complete and utter darkness and silence.

earl janus

i should just let it go. letting it go. let it go…
it’s not my battle to fight but why am i fighting?

funny tuesday

I’m a kind of person that is used to having a million things to do outside the house, be it work-related, school-related, or just being social. Throughout the whole semester I feel like I’ve rarely seen the afternoon sun from my bedroom window. But here I am, in the end of the semester…at home at 2:31pm and *gasp*, fully awake. And, get this… I don’t know what to do at home.
I could think of atleast 10 things I can do, but for some reason the thought of getting them done is very unattractive. I’ve walked back and forth from my bedroom to the kitchen to find that I have nothing ready-to-eat except Meranti Keju (which shows that I haven’t been grocery shopping in a while…)
what’s more, I had the eeriest dream last night. Sharing it here in public is not something I would do, as truthfully it is something that I would like to keep in the deepest part of my heart, locked away. At times like these I feel rather lonely, because I find that the people I can share my current feelings with (without hurting them) are slowly coming to a meager amount.
Or… maybe it’s just me who’s avoiding everyone.
maybe i’m just antisocial.
maybe i want to feel lonely..

fermented*

they say the most dangerous tool is the human brain
and at this time, my mind is the tool that can bring me to destruction.
5 seconds to self-destruction;
..5
…4
….3
…..2
…….1

can we be preserved?

journal entry #3

tomorrow i’ll be heading back to Malaysia.

my first impression of jakarta after 6 months was that its traffic was getting even more gruesome, and inflation has really increased the value of products, so much that I wouldn’t understand why a pack of abon can cost Rp.20.000. it made me much more eager to stay abroad.

my stay in Jakarta was quite short, it is suppose to be a week but technically, if u take away the day that i arrive and the day that i go back, then it leaves 5 effective days.

i only had 1 day to meet a number of friends, but i’ve got to see epoth chamon ratri edith cek jdat angie babar karkeph kakek yanna sutra within that one day. although the time was so short, i’m glad i got to meet all of you.

maybe some of you have heard about the news that happened the morning right after bram and i arrived. to all of you who have sent their condolences and prayers, thank you so much.

something in me changed within this trip, i knew i was moving forward, even if it is with baby steps. there was so much that i was feeling these past few days, and those feelings made me feel like i was maturing.

i’m amazed how i can have such a strong support system, both the family and the partner.

and i’m beginning to feel more positive for the future.

amen.