May 3, 2008

it is currently 5:27am and i am still awake.

i’ve been trying to sleep for the past 4 hours, laying on my bed restlessly rolling from side to side. this cotton spring bed feels foreign to me, the bedsheets itch my skin, the bedcovers too thick for my liking. as i lay, i feel my chest tightening and often i feel as if i am losing my breath- and my head so heavy on the pillow, as if it were on the edge, dangling.

the aircon may be on high, but the air is too hot- or atleast inside the covers. i let my feet sneak out from beneath the covers, yet the cool breeze does not ease any of my worries. i’ve yawned and yawned until my jaw is numb, i feel the ache in my back and shoulders.

i’ve come up with many theories of my insomnia. first will be because the mattress is too low, the distance from the wooden floor to the top of my bed is barely 10cms, and its almost at the same level. yet what is the difference with my mattress and the one at pjs, as neither are using bedframes, and while im at pjs, i sleep soundly just like a baby.

the second is the noise from outside my room, the sound of people washing their hands or showering in my shared bathroom, the sound of doors closing and opening, the creeking of chairs, the faint whispers, all dominating the (should be) silence of the wee hours, as if all are not respecting my need to sleep and regain energy for the next day.

the third is how detached i am from this room, how even though most of my memorabilia is placed nicely on the shelves, or how most of my clothes are stuffed in the closet, or how the plastered pictures (the attempt to give the room my personal touch) hang on the cold walls, i do not associate myself to be a part of this room. my soul is not in it, my body is barely there, which might prove my trouble of sleeping every time i try to sleep in my own bed after several days of leaving it behind.

it is odd how i can manage to sleep in other places, in hotels, in stranger’s houses, in my brother’s room, in my friend’s rooms, in sunway court, in pjs, in lagoonview, in the car, at school, but i cannot sleep in my own bed. i’m eager to move out and to find my comfort zone, one that doesn’t belong to anybody else and is my own. a place that can be my sanctuary, where i seek my refuge, the most private space that i can own.

*crosses fingers*


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